What’s wrong with me?
In my work with coaching individuals and couples the “What’s wrong with me?” question comes up quite a bit. Years of unfulfilled relationships, predictable repeated patterns from your partner(s), and the overwhelming thought that there actually IS something wrong with you is simply stated not serving you. It stalls growth as well as limits the experience you REALLY want to be having with life, love, and your career.
So I’d like to focus on romantic relationships…
Well, there must be. Right?
There must be something wrong with you. What else could it be?
Otherwise, you would have the experience of what you wanted from your relationships and your chosen partner, right? So, yes there IS something wrong with you, wait, AND them! Them too! Don’t forget them!
So, you stack all the evidence… Men are jerks, Women are too needy, If I was more fit, wore better clothes, made this amount of money THEN I would be able to create the relationship I wanted.
That’s all BS.
BS is short for Bullshit.
There is nothing wrong with you.
I’ll explain as there may be a little work to do.
Now, consider that your experience of relationship is your responsibility. Yep, all up to you. If you are not creating the love, partnership, passion, intimacy, sex, joy, etc…you will need to take a look at how you HAVE been creating it.
One of my favorite sayings is, “Nothing changes if nothing changes”.
Totally applies here too. If you want a different result with anything in life, do something different. If you are in a relationship, consider it’s the responsibility of both of you to take it on…together. Is your partner willing? Are you? Take a look together at what the purpose of your relationship is. What are your goals? What is the vision for the two of you? Again, if you want a different result in life, you will have to choose to do something different. I know I keep saying this. So here are a few places to start.
1. Take a look at your relationship patterns.
How do they start? How do they end? When does it go from excitement to loathing? How does your heart start to open or close or get broken? What are you consistently and reliably bringing in from past relationships that is damaging the current one, and perhaps take a look at your expectations? Realistic? Using unrealistic expectations to keep you alone? I can guarantee the ONE consistent pattern in all of your relationships is YOU! Time to take a look in the mirror. What can you get responsible for? Again, notice I said responsible FOR, not “notice what is wrong with you”. Perhaps there’s some healing work to take on? Be honest. Take a look. Perhaps you’ve never had a relationship. Again what can you be responsible for? Be honest. Take a look.
2. You really have no clear idea of the experience you want.
There’s a lack of clarity. Like crystal clear clarity. Like super duper crystal clear clarity. What absolutely has to exist in your relationships and partner to consider it successful and fulfilling? What are you willing and not willing to compromise on? Where have you ignored red flags and went along anyway when your gut was saying run. Write it all down. All. Of. It. The experience and characteristics of your relationship and partner. This will support you in clarity and provide a barometer with how things are going as you begin.
3. Get supported.
Consider that doing something different in service of getting different results may require support. You will not want to do something different. It’s uncomfortable, scary, and you will resist it. There are a gazillion healers, coaches, and support networks out there. Try one. Pick one and empower the hell out of it. Perhaps it’s the first place that you get to practice commitment. Support can look like many things, but the KEY here is to get supported. Perhaps a therapist to support you with your healing, a coach to help you with your clarity, direction, and focus. Even a friend or support network to regularly confide in and that can hold you accountable, dang even a matchmaker… Something. Do something different.
So, I want to assure you that there is nothing wrong with you, but you’ll need to get in action and get responsible to create the relationship that aligns with your vision of partnership, love, and commitment. Be careful though as resignation here is your enemy. Being resigned to not giving or receiving love is the breaker of many hearts. Don’t even think about giving up.
It can be rough out there…so allow your commitment to finding what you truly want pull you through. Choose it. Choose it over and over and over again. Choose love.
Love is fundamental in our human experience and you are worth finding a way to give and receive it.