In the realm of romantic relationship how many times have you thought or felt “It shouldn’t be this hard!” or “It’ll be so easy when I find the one”? Or, is your experience one that embodies the “Whelp, this is how it goes, fun at first, then gets hard, then screw it, suffer until one of you can’t stand it anymore and it ends catastrophically through infidelity, resignation, or perhaps a screaming match where your called a “bitch” or a “prick” or my favorite walking out of the room with hands in the air yelling “Just Fuck Off”. I’ll admit in the past I’ve been there and in the end no one’s needs are met, you’ve not demonstrated the best part of you, and there’s probably a whole bucket of anger and sadness to swallow. Total bummer.
Here’s the thing… RELATIONSHIPS ARE REALLY HARD… when they’ve been neglected, not worked on, and not intentional. When you and your partner have lost a voice, have lost the commitment, and have lost the passion …it’s hard. Here’s the other thing… IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE REALLY HARD… and putting energy into and working on your relationship(s) takes effort and intention. I believe it’s a myth that one does not have to work at or on a relationship. Here are some ways we approach relationship and I’d have you look where you’re at.
I’ll need you to follow me here so please entertain this idea.
Imagine your relationship is a puppy (if you like dogs) or a kitten (if you like cats) or some other baby animal (If you don’t like puppies and/or cats and are weird).
You feed your baby animal daily. Offer it nutrition and hydration and you ensure its daily needs are being met otherwise it’s life would be compromised, right?. So hey, how often are you feeding your relationship? What would nourish it? What are your partner’s thoughts here? What’s on the menu? What’s their love language (favorite thing to eat)? You get the idea.
Now, and this is kinda awful but what if you came home after a particular rough day at work and just stabbed your baby animal. Took it all out and wounded the poor thing. It’s not dead but close. Consider the things YOU may be doing in your relationship that are seriously harmful and almost life threatening to the relationship. Stonewalling, ignoring, resenting, cheating, overconsuming porn or fantasy, disrespecting (hey that’s another human), tearing him/her/they/ze down every chance you get.
So if your relationship is struggling maybe you’re just starving the baby animal. It’s not getting all it needs to be fully thriving. Limping along, knowing something is missing, maybe unclear what, but knowing it is something. You’re in luck because awareness at this point can create some change and transformation if you and your partner are willing. Most individuals and couples I work with find me at this point. Maybe unsure how to care for the baby relationship animal but willing to try. There’s still access to love and partnership and that’s a great beginning.
My invitation to you is to be intentional in your relationship. Sit together as a couple to create the partnership and experience that you both want to be having. Then ask yourself what you can do today, in the moment, this week, to feed and nourish it. Notice where you stab it, and notice where you may be starving it. What does your relationships like to eat? Where does it like to go? What would revitalize it? Getting some elevation and awareness here may start to open things up for the two of you and you may not only notice change but perhaps some transformation.
Keep me posted and would love to hear some of your comments from what you are taking away from this.